"When your heart is an empty room, with walls of the deepest blue"

My Mom has always referred to June 9th as the Worst Day. Thirty-eight years ago today, her mother, Adeline, passed away from ovarian cancer. She discovered a few years back that our good friend Krissie shares this same dreadful anniversary: she lost her mother on the same day, same disease. Different year.

Today it is pitch black out. Thunder is rumbling, clouds gathering. Literally and metaphorically. We have been waiting on results from a lung biopsy a dear friend had on Friday. I wrote to Krissie: "Today she gets to charge the beach and see if it's a group of Girl Scouts or Hitler's army she's up against." On this darkest of days, I get the news that it is indeed a recurrence of cancer she battled five years ago. I'm angry. She did this already, she fought hard and bravely, she beat it and regained her health. And all while being fabulous, because she is. She's amazing and funny and has been a good friend to me while I have walked this path with Dad. And as before, I find myself asking 'why?'

Why her, why not me? Why not you? I want to believe in God's plan, I do. I want to have faith, but it's such a hard, narrow path. There's no easy explanation for why bad things happen. There's no pert, pat answer to tie it up neatly with a little bow. Life is messy and complicated and painful, and while we all know this in the abstract, God, it's so hard in the reality of it.

I am once again left helpless. Words are failing me. It's taken me over an hour to write just this - I am mute with pain. Pray for my friend, for her family and children. Pray for a quick recovery.

The flames and smoke climbed out of every window
And disappeared with everything that you held dear
But you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need
Cause you knew you were finally free